Thursday, February 10, 2011

Faux Joe—Revolutionary, Prize Winner


Hello Bad Rachel. Don’t ya know. Talking about a revolution. Ill tell ya. Sounds like a whisper. POTUS has gotten me really into Tracy Chapman. But also. Maybe you want to turn on the television. What’s that look like? Arab Freedom. The Obama Doctrine. It took Barack two years to make good on the Bush freedom agenda. So I came out tonight basically to gloat to all the neocons. Obama’s policies have finally brought democracy to the Middle East. You guys had your speeches. We did it with smart power. I would predict the Nobel committee would give Barry the peace prize, but, oh yeah, he already has one of those. Can I ask a serious question Bad Rachel? Can old Joe get Obamas second Nobel Peace Prize? It would be like giving Scottie Pippen one of Michael Jordan’s MVPs. We need to start that whisper campaign now: Joe Biden for the Peace Prize. 

Cause this whole Egypt policy is 100 percent pure, cold-filtered Biden. I told Barack Obama from the beginning. You have got to lock these Muslim leaders in. We gotta get them to stop telling their kids to grow up and kill us. As a Muslim, Barack, you have a golden opportunity here to tell them to stop all this Jihad. At that point, John Brennan reminded me that we are never to say Jihad in this administration. But I was already there. Yes. I get it. Smart power. That’s why we did our first international interview with Al Jazeera. By the way, I can’t turn off al Jazeera English. I want my AJE. 

OK. I know, I know. What was Joe Biden doing, going out on Jim Lehrer, saying Mubarak is no dictator? But Joe Biden knows world leaders. I’m a stand up guy. I’m not going to go around and say Hosni Mubarak is a dictator like that. Joe wouldn’t do that to a friend. But just to make it perfectly clear: This administration supports a transition process through the offices of President Mubarak to achieve a sustainable outcomes-based foreign policy objective for Egypt. We have been saying it since day one of this crisis. It’s as clear as crystal. 

One of the reasons I am checking in is because I am worried about some of you conservatives. There is no reason why you can’t look at the Muslim Brothers as literally our Muslim Brothers. They are the most credible democratic voice on the street. We have nothing to fear from them. The Muslim Brotherhood has renounced violence. Now I get where you’re going to go with this. What about Hamas? Doesn’t the Muslim Brotherhood support Hamas? The truth is we really don’t know. The intelligence community is pretty divided on this. I think we have a golden opportunity to reach out to the moderate Muslim Brothers and start the long work towards healing the rift between our two nations. Hosni Mubarak has told me many times that he wants the same thing. He just can’t say that in public—cause of the Arab street and all. But you will see. Power has a funny way of moderating Islamists. Look at Obama. 

I mean I can’t tell you how great it is to be vice president at such a historic moment. I have for years been telling world leaders it’s time for Islamic revolution in the Middle East, except for Iraq which needed Saddam Hussein to keep a lid on that three-way civil war. You can’t really know this. But when you get a foreign policy really right, like we did with Egypt, it really does make you feel good. So this is the big leagues. I belong here. Joe Biden, Islamic Revolutionary, 2011 Nobel Peace Prize Winner.

2 comments:

  1. You should probably just forward this to Jason Sudeikis and the crew on SNL.

    SNL Writer would look good on your resume (maybe).

    ReplyDelete