Friday, June 24, 2011

Nation-building Biden-Style

Hiya Bad Rachel! Joe here. This news cycle, all we keep hearing: What’s with this new Biden plan for Afghanistan? Well I’m here to straighten you out. Here’s the plan: We Won. See ya later. Five words, short and sweet: Dear Hamid Karzai, Later Skater. Adios. Yours, Biden’s America. I know the New York Times says my plan is counter-terrorism. But really, I don’t even care about that. I just want to get us out of this hornet’s nest. Joe’s been going to Pakistan since General Zia. I knew Benazir Bhutto and her father. I called her Pinky. There is no hope whatsoever for that country. Plus, we’ve got bigger fish to fry. We got a brand new war in Libya, and Barack wants to send the Marines to the West Bank one’a these days to liberate the settlements for the Palestinians. If it were up old Joe, the US military would double down in Kosovo and Macedonia—make sure none of Milosevic’s kids are hanging around trying to relive the early 90s. And by the way, Bad Rachel, let’s talk second-term agenda here: mental health services for every American citizen, green-card holder, and migrant worker. How’s the Biden-Obama team going to afford universalized anti-depressants if we’re mucking around with the ISI and the Karzai government? Major resource suck! Major debt maker! The people of AfPak are going to be crazy for the next 5,000 years. The Biden plan is basically this: If the AfPakians pull another 9/11, Barack Obama will personally step down, contact the medical team that controls access to my good friend Dick Cheney’s brain, and make him president for 48 hours. In those two days Cheney drops 20,000 tons of thermo-nuclear electro-magnetic pulse bombs on every square inch of AfPakistan. Then Obama re-assumes the presidency and places me in charge of the special prosecution of Dick Cheney. Nation-building here at home. Lordy day, I tell ya!

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