Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Biden Supresidency

Hiya, Bad Rachel! It’s been a hell of a long time, but Old Joe has been busy. Thinking and working. Biden Commission. Debt ceiling. And now I have some very important news. I don’t know if you all follow that inside baseball, the Politico, Washington Whisper, that kind of thing. But I want to make it official: Joe Biden is running for president. You could say I am giving you the scoop on this. Like Sarah Palin, I’m going rogue. Joe Biden: More Maverick than Top Gun. I like that. Now, I know where you’re coming from. Joe Biden is a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat, so why is he making his announcement on this blog? I don’t know how to tell you this, Bad Rachel, but I’ve always wanted to be president. Always thought I’d do a better job than Barry. Hell, I thought I’d do a better job than Bill Clinton. 2012 is Joe Biden’s shot. Like my friend Steve Winwood says, “When you see a chance, take it.” I haven’t seen this many donors walkin’ sideways since Abscam. This cycle already has great candidates: I mean, the Republicans got T-Paw, The Big Mitt, Herman Cain. On the Democratic side we have my boss and John Huntsman. So let me be clear: Old Joe is the natural choice for all the donors who are leaving Obama on the whole Israel thing. I have done more for Israel in the last two years than frankly any president since Harry Truman. What do I mean? Well I don’t know if you noticed this, but America elected an Islamist to the presidency in 2008. At every step of the way, I have had to box Barry in. And I do it all for Israel. You didn’t like that speech on the Arab spring? You should have seen the draft before Joe “Jerusalem” Biden got to it. I went over to the Oval, looked him dead in the eye, shoulder to shoulder, and said: “You can’t quote Hassan al Bana and the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem in this Israel section, I don’t care what Samantha Power says.” You thought it was too much that he mentioned the 1967 lines? Barry’s original speech proposed establishing a new Israel in Uganda, like Teddy Herzl did at the Sixth Zionist Congress. Now granted, this was probably a Kenya-Uganda thing. But still, I have put out so many fires in this White House you’d think it was the War of 1812. Every other week, a new plan: Why don’t we get Susan to propose a UN Resolution demanding Israel give up half of Jerusalem? Let’s invite the newly democratic governments of Tunisia and Egypt to mediate all Jerusalem/Quds issues. Is there some way we can put Israel’s nukes under the stewardship of the Arab League? You get the picture. See, but none of these things ever happened ’cause steady old Joe was there to talk Barry down. So welcome to my world. The stakes are higher than ever. This is why I want those donors to read the facts for themselves. Joe Biden is Israel’s last line of defense. I think that’s worth at least the Democratic Party’s nomination. You’re Jewish. You must know Chaim Saban. Tell Chaim and his pals that we can make this happen. Joe Biden, El Presidento. Shalom.

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