Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Joe Biden writes:

Happy Tuesday, Bad Rachel. I gotta tell ya. I love my job. The Veep. The Number Two. Don’t tell anyone, but it’s more like I am Number One, ‘cause I have come up with most of the ideas for this administration. When they go with something Rahm comes up with, or God forbid something from Valerie Jarrett and her little red book, they still call in old Joe to save the day. You saw it last week on the economy, you saw it on Iraq. Who’s going to Israel next month? OK. You get the picture. Joey B is holding this administration together. But I gotta tell ya, sometimes, every now and again, I miss Congress. Today is one of those days. TOYOTA Hearings! Can you believe it. These minivans accelerating too fast and stuff. Man I used to own these hearings. All the ins and outs. I hate to see some amateurs in the House miss their opportunities, so I came up with a couple of pointers for my buddy Bart Stupak.

1) At some point in the hearing, just blurt out: “You gotta be kidding me!” Then shake your head and just say at a slightly lower volume, “no. no. no.”

2) Surprise Witness. This is a Biden specialty. It doesn’t matter if what the witness says is true or not. Heck, I found some crazy lady who said John Bolton chased her all over Kazakhstan with a staple-gun. People will say anything if there are cameras.

3) When it’s all said and done and you’ve destroyed the character of your hostile witness, make sure to treat it all like it’s more out of sorrow than anger. Be the classier guy. Take the high road. Thank ‘em for their time. Slap ‘em on the back. I do this when I talk about Cheney. Great friend/evil criminal. You get the picture.

Ahh, these Congressmen today. It’s not like the old days. I wish I was there. But the country needs Joey Biden in the White House. Back to work.

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